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Desiring Machines

by marblemouth

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1.
Judy Jun 02:57
I spent three days without conversation 'cept the delivery man at my door. Got out the blue hair dye and listened to Loveless, coping like I did before Someday you will come home again, drink my milk, and get your hair in my bed. And all the awful things that I have said– it'll seem like someone else was saying them.
2.
In the night I lie awake, staring at the thing before me: galaxies in gaps in blinds, stars up on the ceiling, the memories of all the girls that I have known, enclosing, your sleeping form, reminding me of all I have been missing. Our histories are tragic, and disappear with grace. Is there something in my life that I just cannot face? Fight the dark every night, stay angry. Bubbling resentment at the lack of my own genius. If words succeeded I could say something with more feeling. Trying hard to prove to you that I deserve your lenience, are my disarmed defenses something much more than convenient? Falling back in love with you, I shouldn't make you cry, I'm stupid and ineloquent in trying to say why. Stare down the floor every night grasping at something. Born in this world astride a rude dug grave of my own making; a flash of light, your hand in mine, our bodies set a shaking. Take solace in these moments, before the mood awakens dreams of my death and dabbles with nihilistic thinking. How all the things that I hold dear come apart with ease, was my life made for questionings less intense than these? Search the void every night looking for meaning.
3.
And in wintertime I'd see you once in a while cause it was far to your house. It was too far to take the bus too much to brave the cold it was too much to take the bus it was too much to brave the cold... and you would ask me to "sleep on the couch, tonight." "but I'll stay another time" (that's what you always say)– smoke weed and watch tv and talk about things not quite as important as the things that she said. But for this afternoon, I'm free so for that time you'll have me. I once had a girl like yours, who lived down the hall from me and in wintertime we'd hide from the world to see what things we could build down there wrapped in blankets and cotton sheets only to end up with nothing but the memory of watching tv. And when they leave our side the girls that we love will be lost like snow in the earth in the coming spring and we will reach out for something. And I'll go driving around again just to hear your voice and I'm staying up late at night just to see you smile. I'll go driving around again just to hear your voice stay up late just to see you smile I'll get high just to spend some time around you I'll watch things that I don't want to see I promise I deserve to be your friend you'll see me again And I regret that I have been stupid and absorbed with all the little things that don't matter they don't matter any more. And I'd go driving around again just to see you smile stay up late at night just to hear your voice.
4.
That summer, I remember it rained for forty days straight. That summer was the summer of Ben. It was the best summer you had had. You started dating a boy who wore cowboy hats and liked Nascar. He owned a red Jeep Wrangler, and we know what people who own Jeep Wranglers are like now. That summer: watching you from afar, disapproving of every decision you made, again. I'm sorry.
5.
I'm staring at an empty mattress, with patterns shaped to look like lace, and thrown up in its center are the pillows, sheets, and blue duvet. Try hard to forget the night when you were trying to masturbate while I was rolling on the couch waiting for the day to break. Is it better for me not to know the thing that waits between your legs and sit here always wondering just what it was you tried to shake?

about

"D.H. Lawrence says of love: 'The process should work to completion, not to some horror of intensification and extremity wherein the soul and body ultimately perish.'"

Gilles Deleuze and Felix Guattari, "The Desiring Machines," from Anti-Oedipus

credits

released January 25, 2019

Five songs about beds, written and recorded 2012-18.

Thank you to: Jon and Nina, Tyler, Greg and Kenny, Nolan, but especially to Shane, Wesley, and Kathy K (who moved away). Cover photo of Rachel courtesy of the subject.

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marblemouth Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Marblemouth is a recording project that began in Boston in 2012. Message me if you don't want to pay for something.

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